


Shaneatouille

by dwarf_planet



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: "I want to be a rat" - Shane Madej 2020, Angst, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Hurt Ryan Bergara, I'm sorry ???, Kinda fluff, M/M, Rat Shane, Reincarnation, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej (kinda), Shane Madej Dies, Shane Madej Is Shook, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, based off that one episode of top five beatdown, brief mentions of shane being a bearded dragon at the end, but i guess i'll put it in additional tags, but it's not really, could be read as platonic, enjoy though, idk man i'm probably missing tags, just in case, okay so technically this could be read as slash if you really really squint, shane dies more than once, shane is a rat, so i removed the shane/ryan tag, there's not really comfort but sh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwarf_planet/pseuds/dwarf_planet
Summary: This is inspired by the latest episode of Top Five Beatdown. I decided to let Shane have his wish for whatever reason. Enjoy and consider leaving a comment and kudos!(It's just crack taken too seriously and me pouring my soul out so Shane can be a rat :/ )
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej
Comments: 22
Kudos: 54





	Shaneatouille

**Author's Note:**

> just, uh, pretend rats aren't born blind
> 
> also i was in a rush at the end. i wanted to finish this before i started working on other things but i was in a bit of a time crunch. sorry if it's not great 
> 
> hope you enjoy anyway and thanks for clicking

Shane Madej was dead. At least, he was supposed to be. During one of his and Ryan’s investigations (he couldn’t remember where or what exactly. His memories were acting strange), he’d fallen from somewhere high and hit the ground or the water or whatever it was with such a force there was no way he could still be living. He’d felt each and every single one of his bones crack and the splat of flesh upon asphalt (so he’d fallen onto a road! Good, he was remembering) and the feeling of every last bit of warmth draining from his body, leaving his form an empty, husk-like corpse.

More than that, he remembered Ryan’s expression as he fell. He’d been picking on the little guy, doing one of his bits where he mocked Ryan’s reaction to an oversensitive flashlight when he’d… he’d… tripped? He’d tripped over something. What happened next he couldn’t remember, but it had ended with him dead. Ryan had watched with dread as he started to tumble backwards, his dark eyes widening and mouth falling open in a desperate shout, “Shane!”, as he leaped forward, hands outstretched, trying to save his best friend. The crew rushed forward to help, some knocking hundred-dollar equipment over in their panic but none caring. Ryan gripped onto Shane’s forearm, barely catching him and breathing a sigh of relief. “Hey, guys, a little help!?” He shouted to the crew before one of the tripods came crashing down and hit Ryan heavily on the arm, a crack heard as he yelped, grip faltering for less than a second. But that was enough, and down Shane went, Ryan leaning as far out of the structure as he could, yelling after him and crying out when one of the crew members pulled him from the window.

A window! He’d fallen out of a window! But… but that didn’t help the fact that he should be dead and wasn’t. How come he wasn’t dead? Or maybe he was?

But he believed in heaven and any sort of god about as much as he believed in ghosts and demons. Besides, this green-skyed and chunky-grounded and dusty place didn’t seem much like heaven or hell.

Which brought him to the question of where the hell he was. And why everything was so big… And why his annoyed groans sounded an awful lot like squeaks. And why there were little baby rats all around him and a big mama rat and…

Oh god. He was a rat. He was a rat!? A fancy rat, from the looks of the other rats around him which he guessed to be his kin and the pet shop he was in. But that meant reincarnation was real and Shane Madej really was dead.

But he was a rat!! His opinion hadn’t changed and he still did think it would be fun to be a rat. He’d never thought it was possible, but he did think it was cool. While he didn’t think he’d be cooking or exposing secret wills anytime soon, he figured he’d still have fun in this new life.

When Shane first entered his rat life, he was a newborn rat, tiny and too young to be adopted. Months had gone by since then, and he, despite being old enough to be adopted, still hadn’t been. The other rats in his litter had been, and he wasn’t lonely, exactly, but he would like a change of scenery. He was laying in the green igloo, all curled up and thinking about his past life and how much he missed Unsolved, Watcher, and Ryan, when the store’s bell dinged, signaling a visitor. These days, he didn’t bother trying to get adopted, so he just stayed curled up, ignoring the voices of the shopkeeper and the visitor. He recognized the visitor’s voice, and it sent something like nostalgia and longing through his body. He still couldn’t be bothered to get up, though, and stayed in the same spot until suddenly his cage was opening and the igloo was being tipped up. The shopkeeper carelessly scooped him up and Shane chittered irritatedly at the woman until the figure next to her caught his eyes.

His breath stuttered and he went quiet. Ryan. Ryan Bergara was there, in the pet store he was in, seemingly looking for a rat.

The shopkeeper started shifting so she could hand him to Ryan, but before she could, the rat was flinging himself off her hand and onto Ryan’s shoulder, gripping to him desperately and quickly crawling up his arm to where he could nuzzle Ryan’s cheek.

“Huh,” he heard the shopkeeper saying, “he’s not usually that affectionate. I guess he likes you.” If that wasn’t an understatement, Shane didn’t know what was.

“Thanks,” the shopkeeper nodded at Ryan and left to go do whatever pet store owners did.

Ryan laughed and Shane’s little rat heart ached at it. He never thought he’d see him ever again. “Hey, little guy,” Ryan cooed at him, quirking a smile. “My name’s Ryan. Would you like to go home with me?” Shane nodded and Ryan’s eyes widened before he continued.”Did you just nod? Wow, okay. I, um, I’ve been looking for a rat for a little while, but all the other shops are sold out. This is gonna sound ridiculous, but my friend died a few months ago-” Guilt, pain, and something else flashed across Ryan’s face. “-but before he did he made this dumb comment about wanting to be a rat. Anyways, I’ve finally moved on enough to avoid sobbing everytime I sit down to record something or see a rat, and I wanted to get one. In memory of him, I guess.” A bittersweet smile disappeared as quickly as it came. “His name was Shane… He was the greatest. This is gonna sound even stupider, but I was thinking I could name my rat -which is you, I guess- after him? So. You’re, uh, you’re Shane now. Congrats.”

He’d missed Ryan so much. This version of Ryan was… weird. He was definitely Ryan, but he was subdued and quieter and less self-assured. Shane didn’t like it. Though, he reminded himself, if Ryan had been the one to die, he would’ve gotten quieter too.

Shane nuzzled against him, trying to be reassuring. Ryan smiled softly, then turned away from Shane, calling for the shopkeeper. “Um, Miss? I want him.”

Fifteen minutes later, they were homebound.

That night, Ryan took Shane out of his new cage (which was much comfier than the one at the pet shop, by the way), setting the rat gently on his shoulder before sitting down on his couch and pulling out his computer to do some work. Shane’s eyes widened when he realised that Ryan was currently editing a new episode of something for Unsolved. Shane hears a “Three, two, one, action” from someone in the crew and then the Ryan that’s onscreen is speaking, “This week, on the season premiere of Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate Kimball Castle as part of our ongoing investigation into the question ‘Are ghosts real?’”

Purely out of instinct, Rat Shane shakes his head. Ryan doesn’t notice.

Onscreen, Ryan looks to his co-host -some random person Shane had worked with at Buzzfeed but doesn’t know the name of- who doesn’t react to the question. He mumbles “You gonna react to my question?”

The co-host looks surprised, “Oh, was I supposed to?”

Ryan sighs. “Let’s just try this again.”

He turns back to the camera. Someone from behind the crew instructs him to take it from the top, and real life Ryan pauses the video. He edits out the clip they just watched, then unpauses it. Video Ryan clears his throat, “This week on the season premiere of Buzzfeed Unsolved we investigate Kimball Castle as part of our ongoing investigation into the question-” He pauses, glancing at the co-host for less than a second, then continues “-’Are ghosts real?’”

This time, the co-host shrugs. Ryan runs a hand through his hair, biting the inside of his mouth before continuing onto the facts of their location.

Real Ryan pauses the video, interrupting himself mid sentence, attention now directed at the rat, who shook his head again when onscreen Ryan asked that pivotal question.

“Did you shake your head?” Ryan asks Shane, who has been moved from his shoulder to his hands. Shane looks up at him and nods as dramatically as he can. Ryan exclaims, “Oh my god! Wait, wait. Are ghosts real?” Again, Shane shakes his head “no”, and Ryan laughs hysterically, eyes widening, “Holy shit!”

Shane tries to laugh at Ryan’s reaction, though it ends up sounding more like a shaky chittering. Ryan seems to get it though, laughing with him at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. “It’s like Ratatouille,” He laughs, shaking his head. “Oh my god. Can you cook, little guy?”

Shane quickly shakes his head as vehemently as he can.

“Oh, no?” Ryan grins, cheeks flushed from laughter. His eyes soften and when he speaks again, it’s quieter, “Shane -original Shane, that is- couldn’t cook either. And he very firmly did not believe in ghosts. Kinda like you,” He laughs softly, something like longing shining in his eyes. “Maybe I did make the right choice in naming you after him, huh, little guy?” A thought strikes him. “He wasn’t little though. He was tall, and had a huuge head.” Ryan laughs, but it’s sort of watery and he looks like he might cry. “I miss him. God,” he groans, slamming the laptop shut and running his hands over his face. He’s on the verge of tears and Shane frowns as best as he can, “I don’t know if I’ll ever not miss him at this rate. Why did I think I could start doing Unsolved again? Jesus, I’m-” A sob cuts him off and, as Shane runs up his shoulder, he buries his head in his hands.

His shoulders shake quietly and Shane has a feeling it’s not from laughter. The rat nuzzles against Ryan’s cheek, trying to reassure him or at least help him calm down. Ryan seems to notice, chuckling shakily as he reaches up to pet him, raising his head from his hands. “Thanks, bud.” He forces a smile and Shane almost rolls his eyes. Of course Ryan would feel the need to force a smile for even a rodent. Idiot, Shane thinks fondly, nuzzling Ryan’s cheek again.

Ryan finally stopped crying, sighing before he opened the laptop again and started to work.

Years flew by, and Shane was perfectly happy in this new life, he just wished he could talk to Ryan. The man himself still broke down occasionally, but every time was a little better and a little shorter than the last, so though Shane could tell Ryan still missed him, he seemed to finally be moving on.

But all good things must come to an end, fancy rats had an average lifespan of three years, and Shane was already four.

It was a warm, sunny September when the rat passed. This time, he was reincarnated as a bearded dragon.

Ryan was sad, but he wanted a new pet. He thought a reptile might be neat, and he’d heard bearded dragons were good for beginners...

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ! please lemme know if you enjoyed !!


End file.
